I've noticed something lately. It should make me feel incompetent as a mother, but it's really just left me a little confused.
Lately, people have been trying to help me discipline L when we are out and about. For the most part, I think I'm fairly good at discipline. B is much more strict than I am, but thanks to Love and Logic classes, I'm pretty consistent and fair. And I like to think I keep my kid in line, both in public and in private.
But twice in the last month, people have stepped in to discipline my child.
About a month ago, we were at Fed-Ex, and I was waiting to fax something. It was h-o-t that day. I'm talking heat warnings. I actually posted about this day...it had been long and crazy and by the time I got to Fed Ex, I was beyond exhausted. I wasn't really watching L as closely as I normally do, I admit. But there's not a ton of things he can destroy there, and he was literally just going around touching things.
Suddenly, the woman behind me said, "Honey, don't touch those candy bars," and I snapped to attention.
"C'mere, L," I called, and he did, burying his face in my belly, embarrassed.
I turned around to thank her and she smiled. "It takes a village," she commented.
(I figured she had good intentions but honestly, I don't think he was hurting the candy by touching them...it was keeping him busy and quiet.)
Then, last week, we were at Marshalls. L was running running running around a rack in a small circle while I was looking at shoes. The store was basically empty at 9 am and again, he wasn't hurting anything. While, yes, I'd have loved for him to sit silently and still for 15 minutes while I found a pair of shoes, I know he's a very energetic 3 year old boy, so I pick my battles.
He started to run a little farther, and a little farther.
I told him he was making a sad choice and needed to stay where I could see him. He was in that stage where he was deciding whether it was worth it to listen to me or if he should just enjoy the glee of running in the store.
A woman walking between us turned to him and said, "L, listen to your mommy. My little boy ran away one time and got scared and it was very sad."
She spoke to him in a very strict voice and he immediately ran to me, again burying his face in my side, and started crying. She glanced at us and walked away.
Does it bother me that random moms discipline my kid? Eh...not really. Does it make me wonder if I look like I can't do it myself? Sometimes. Do I think that most likely, it's because I am enormously pregnant and obviously tired and it's a mama trying to help out another mama? Yeah.
I talked to B about this, and he doesn't think anything of it. In fact, he said that once, he stepped in to redirect someone's kid and I didn't think it was the right thing to do. (I have absolutely no recollection of this.)
Do you step in to discipline other people's kids? Have you ever had the experience of other moms...or dads...jumping in to redirect yours?
21 comments:
Hmm...I feel like maybe I've done this before? But maybe it's the teacher in me??? I definitely do to my nieces and nephew, but I wouldnt mind if my siblings did that to my kid later on, you know? Its for the best interest of the kid, normally. Maybe in your case they are trying to help out a very preggo mama. Hm..I don't know?! I have mixed feelings.
I've done this, but have found that if you make it more of a game than a stern warning, the reception from the child and the parent is usually much more receptive.
For example, I was in Kohl's a couple of weeks ago when I heard a mom, pushing a stroller, calling for her child. Out of the corner of my eye I see a 2-ish year old girl toddling through the maze of clothing racks about 20 feet away from her mom. I got ahead of her, got down on one knee, and asked her if that was her mom calling for her. She smiled, turned around and toddled back to her mom.
I guess I look at it from a safety perspective most of the time. If I think a child is in danger of hurting themselves/someone else, or in danger of getting separated from their parent, I'll step in. I've also been known to offer a sympathetic smile to a mom who is struggling with a screaming toddler rather than a judgmental stare.
It's a tough job - we can all use a little help and empathy on occasion!
I only do this if they are nieces or nephews or if the child is in danger of hurting himself. Beware of Auntie Lauren, kiddos.
I have wanted to do this, but usually bit my tongue. I think it is up to the parents to discipline their own children. I do not like people redirecting my kids, and by people I mean strangers. I have no problem with my friends or family doing so.
unless the child is in danger (ie: climbing high with no parent around..) then no I would say nothing. IN a perfect world our kids would smile and listen and stay by our sides...but this rarely happens and we do the best we can. I do not need others trying to "help"
You said thanks...that is more then I would have given the lady.
I do. Discipline other people's kids, that is. It's usually when I see the kid potentially hurting himself, and the mom is either busy, or doesn't see. I'm nice about it, but I don't hesitate to say something to someone else's kid. But then, I have absolutely no problem if people do the same to mine. If I'm not looking, and one of the kids is getting into something they KNOW they're not supposed to, I don't have a problem with someone addressing it.
But. If they person is too harsh, or rude, I also don't hesitate to tell the person that they should be less abrasive when talking to kids.
Maybe is because I was a teacher, and I got used to telling kids what to do all the time. I also have a pretty solid group of friends, and we all have no problem disciplining each other's kids.
Just me, I guess. But mine are older and tend to get into more, and since there's three of them and one of me, I can't always watch everyone all the time.
I'd be interested to learn why some of your commenter feel so strongly against strangers "disciplining" their children. Is it because it's taken as a personal attack? That somehow they are judging your adequacy as a parent?
Unfortunately, I think as mothers we often question our own ability to parent - thinking we can do better - and I have to wonder if our OWN feelings of inadequacy are somehow touched by the intervention of a stranger.
I'd be willing to bet that most strangers who attempt to redirect other's children aren't doing it from a place of judgment.
I'm thinking we'd WANT strangers to help our children if they were ... say ... trying to reach something they couldn't get to ... were lost in a department store ... were being picked on by another child ... but don't you dare "discipline"
Just a thought ...
I don't know if I have ever noticed when someone was redirecting my kids. I guess if they do it really doesn't bother me. It really does take a village, and as long as they are nice about it, I am okay with it.
But I think the fact you have an energetic three year old, and are ready to pop, other moms remember those times, so are just trying to help out. Or something like that. :)
Personally, I actually don't like the phrase "it takes a village." Probably because a person I know said it all the time as a reason she would pawn care of her children onto other people. And I don't like it when other people discipline my children. Of course, my children have wandered off and been returned by strangers, for which I'm grateful. But when a random middle age woman yells at my child for hiding under a clothing rack, it's a bit much.
Ummm, no-that is inapprope. Other people need to step off. I am a teacher and do that all day, but they are in my charge. I will say something to my FRIENDS kids, but not a random in a store-that is not your biz-in my opinion.
I'm with Katherine. I don't like that phrase either and don't like when strangers discipline Becks for something petty (like what L did in the stores - gimme a break!). However, I don't mind my sisters or the grandparents stepping in when necessary.
If you're not blood-related, keep you nose outta my child-rearing!!!
When I was getting my L's 1 year photos done at Sears, there were 4 or 5 kids just running around the photo place, and their parents were too busy looking at the photos. I wanted to tell the kids to knock it off, but I also didn't want to get yelled by the parents who weren't parenting very well.
It depends on the situation. If L wasn't doing any thing harmful, the old lady shouldn't have told him not to touch the candy bars. It's not harming them. Old ladies think they know everything some times, but they should really just kep their opinions quiet.
I think I've done this before, but only at a time when I saw something that might be dangerous to a child. (One example I'm thinking is when I saw a kid in McDonald's climbing on the the top of the benches while Mom was at the counter and I told him nicely to sit on the bench b/c it was dangerous). But, I can also see your point and think I might react the same way if someone did it to me.
I would not ever discipline someone else's kid. But I have been known to distract someone else's kid if I notice he/she is about to get into trouble, and the parent isn't paying attention. Or maybe redirect is a better word? And generally that's only with people I know well.
I wouldn't like it if someone disciplined my kid. Or my dog. Since I don't have kids!
If I notice that a mom is overwhelmed or really distracted, I might step in. Especially if the kid is about to hurt themselves.
For instance, a child was running around on a sidewalk a couple weeks ago and the mom was adjusting her baby in a stoller. The child was about to jump off the sidewalk and into the street (where cars were coming). I did tell the kid, "Watch out Buddy! Stay safe on the sidewalk."
I figure that the parent would rather me talk to their child than me not say something and the kid get run over.
I generally let kids run amok and then complain passive aggressively when I'm sure the parents are in ear shot.
That's when kids are running around crazy and obviously undisciplined and unsupervised. When they're just wandering a little or starting to get into something I think maybe they shouldn't, I'll either let it go because it's not my problem, or I might sometimes call their parents attention to it and then let them do what they want about it.
I never correct anyone else's kid unless I know the kid personally.
I think in both these cases I would've just not said anything but if I see a kid about to get hurt, especially at a place like a park I will say something.
One time this 2-3 year jumped from the top of the play equipment even after I told him to be careful, when the mom came over she gave me a dirty look. I guessed it was cause she was embarassed because she wasn't paying attention but I still took offense.
OMG! I was THAT mom today at the library and it did not occurr to me until just now reading your blog. Sam was playing with some puzzles and this little boy kept try ing to rip pieces to her puzzle out of her hands. He wasn't much older than she is and she was holding her own against his aggressive little grabs but finally I told him that it wasn't nice to grab things like that. I talked about the need to share and how we could all do puzzles together. All the while I am glancing around to figure out where the hell this little man's mom is! She was gabbing with another mom and totally oblivious. So fine, we let him have the puzzle pieces and moved on to the trains. I feel embarrassed now that I said anything!
I guess the situations are just a bit different considering if I hadn't of intervened I think my daughter probably would have started screaming at him and your son wasn't actually doing anything wrong.
Is it just out of habit that moms sometimes discipline children that aren't theirs?
It all depends on the situation...if the kid is about to hurt himself I might say something but I usually just give the parent's a head up before speaking to their kids.
My nephew on the other hand I discipline like he's own. If Aunt Lil Woman is watching you then you listen to me.
I usually bite my tongue, I think poeple for the most part can control their own kids. In your current situation I think its super sweet that these women want to lend you a hand =D
Family doing it is one thing, but anyone else is not cool in my opinion. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that they need to butt out unless the kid is in danger.
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