I keep saying that I don't want to blog about my faith journey. I don't want to make people uncomfortable or, worse, label me a Jesus Freak. At least I can admit that.
But then, I do mention something on here, and the comments, and especially the e-mails, come rolling in. People encourage me to post about the cool things that are happening. And since this little ole blog is a baby book/diary/processing tool, I want to use it as such. I want to include everything that is important to me, and create something that my boys can read one day.
So guess what. I'm telling another God story. Go ahead and peace out if you feel so inclined. I don't mind.
If you are going to read, I'm grateful enough for that that I'm going to make a big confession right here. And it's worse than "I never ever iron" or "every room in my house is trashed right now" which are both true.
Deep breath...here it is.
I have huge, gigantic, ginormous doubts during my journey sometimes. I go to church and I get all inspired and I cry and I write in my Bible and I boogie during the songs and I believe.
And then as the week goes on, I wonder. I have lots of friends who are atheists. Who tell me they strongly disagree with what my church teaches. Who tell me the Bible is not to be taken seriously. Who tell me, on many levels, without saying the words, that I'm wrong. Crazy. Stupid.
I'm embarrassed to admit that then I wonder if I AM wrong. If the Bible is just written by people who want to control society. If...gah. If there is a God.
Sigh. I said it. I do. I wonder. I doubt. Even though I know in my heart what I believe, sometimes my brain takes over. I pray about that a lot. I apologize to God. I ask Him to come near and show me He's with me.
And? I told B this weekend that I wouldn't blame God for saying, "Gina, short of coming to you and speaking to you, I don't know how much more you want from me." You can read all the huge things He's done for me here on my blog. God likes to hit me upside the head with things, because I obviously need that.
This weekend, I had another bonk on my head moment.
I had taken some cough medicine that gifted me with a lovely bout of insomnia on Friday night. I had woken up and for the life of me, couldn't get back to sleep. I felt the strongest calling to get up and read my Bible. I kept getting this feeling about the name David.
Typing this makes me realize how crazy it sounds. It does. So I do realize that I sound like a nutcase. Don't worry.
Although I have a very strong Catholic background, I have very little Bible knowledge. When I volunteer in the kids' ministry, I learn as they learn. So I just went with this weird feeling and looked to see if there was a book of David. There wasn't. I decided to simply flip my Bible open and read whatever I landed on.
So when I opened to Psalms and Psalm 53 said "a maskil of David" at the top, I might have peed my pants a little. I definitely chuckled at it. I knew it wasn't a coincidence.
I really knew it wasn't a coincidence when I read Psalm 53. It began: "The fool says in his heart, there is no God."
Like I said....hit-upside-the-head moment right there.
At peace, I read a few more psalms, all speaking quite loudly to me, and went to bed peacefully.
Two days later, I went to church. As the pastor preached about David, B and I exchanged knowing smiles.
And as they played a closing song (Jesus Messiah), one lyric in particular hit me, again, upside the head..."All our hope is in You."
I consider myself fairly intelligent. I have my master's degree and always did really well in school. But somehow it took me that long to realize that of course I don't know for sure. Even with the coincidences that are clearly not coincidences. Even looking at my boys, who are obvious proof of God. I don't know for sure. I have to choose to believe...to have faith...to HOPE.
It delighted me when, later that day, my friend Elizabeth sent me my daily Scripture text and it gave me chills. Smiling, I read, "Hold unswervingly to the hope you profess, for he who promised is faithful. (Hebrews 10:23 NIV).
Namaste.
16 comments:
I may have mentioned in a comment before about how I'm on a journey to have a closer relationship with God and I love this post. Thank you for sharing, really, sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who has these huge doubts. It's so difficult sometimes when you hear all the bad in the world on the news etc to actually believe that there is a loving God, but like you said, when you look at your children, you know. However, those looming moments of doubt still stick. It's no coincidence that you read that Bible verse.
Again, thanks for sharing!
Aha! :)
Nothing anyone says or does will convince you or unconvince you of God's existence. Quite simply, it is YOUR walk with Him. Not B's or your kids' or your parents' or your friends'. Yours alone, to search for Him and draw close to Him. And when you do, that's when you know that you KNOW.
No one can take that away from you, ever.
www.biblegateway.com is a wonderful source next time something like David comes to mind, type it in the search box. Next time you wonder about scripture verses for faith, type it in the search box. I will often know the scripture verse I want to use but can't remember the exact reference and I use this all the time, I LOVE it!
The thing about your relationship with God, it's like Elizabeth just said, it's YOUR relationship.
Gah, I am seriously tearing up here at work. My bible study group talked a lot about this last night when we met... about how sometimes we feel like we can't hear God and why do some people hear him so clearly but others have such trouble. I think with that trouble comes the thoughts that sometimes He might not be there... but the glorious thing is that He promises He is. So I think that it is okay to doubt and it is okay to ask questions because no matter what God is still going to be there. Sometimes we just have to be still and quiet and search for Him... and it seems to me like you found Him :) I actually love reading your faith journey on your blog and I hope you post more! :)
Girlfriend, you can share moments like that on the internet ten times a day as far as I'm concerned. Jesus freaks are the best.
This story gave me chills! Aren't "God moments" like that absolutely crazy? There's no denying God had a hand in that chain of events. He is incredible.
Never feel ashamed or scared to admit you have doubts. Everybody feels them at one point or another... Lots of us experience doubt quite frequently. It's normal. Like you said, you just have to CHOOSE to believe and have faith.
And as a side note, feel free to write up "Jesus freak" posts as often as you like. I love it.
You already know I'm loving your "Jesus freak" posts, so no complaints here. :) I LOVE reading how God moves in people's lives. And it just goes to show you that you don't have to have all of the Biblical head knowledge to be a follower of Christ. God still spoke to you and strengthened your faith, and it didn't matter that you weren't quite sure which book to look up. God knows we're going to have doubts. It's normal. Look at the disciples... just about all of them had some faith/doubt issues. And they were walking right next to Jesus! Part of the journey is learning to trust Him, even when it's not easy.
Thanks for sharing these moments. I know it takes some courage, more than I usually have. So good for you. :)
(ps. Matt 17:20 came to mind when I read this)
CHILLS. love it. God moments like this happen all the time and they don't sound weird to me, but you know what it shows me? that you're open, and willing to listen, and HE SPEAKS TO YOU. And dude, that is amazing. I am so honored you're my friend and able to watch you unfold this journey. I'm still on it, too. xo
Ok, so you know that I'm an atheist. That said, I'm really happy that you have found something that feels good to you and fills up your soul. That is wonderful.
I do think the bible is full of amazing stories. But that is all they are to me; stories. I don't think a single word of the bible is to be taken literally, but unfortunately, a lot of people DO take it literally, and only the parts the suit them. I don't like that. I think it's hypocritical which is like the very basis for why people like me aren't into religion to begin with.
So coming back to my first paragraph--I find that kind of spiritual enlightenment in every day moments. Like when I nurse my daughter, see a beautiful sunrise, have a perfect date night with my husband, etc. And sometimes, I wish there was a place where I could go to rejoice in the things that make my soul happy. So for that reason among a few others, I'm really happy for you, my beautiful friend :)
This made me smile
Still super happy to read posts like this from you.
I love reading about your faith journey, and I love little signs like that. While I am not the same faith as you, I am a strong believer in my faith and in small ways that God(dess - if you will) speaks to us. I am also a huge fan of Ecclesiastes in the Bible - though I probably misspelled it.
I hope that even though our faith paths are different that we can continue to support one another in our respective journeys. At Easter I lost a very good blog friend because I posted that the story of Jesus' resurrection was not the first resurrection story set at that time of year. Even now, months later, I'm still sad that she will no longer interact with me over that.
I think your journey, and your beliefs, are beautiful and I find reading about them oddly reassuring.
Love this. God moments are THE best. And you know what? We've ALL had these moments. The ones where we wonder .. if, JUST WHAT IF, it's all a load of crock? Well, it's not. Our lives are evidence of that.
But, even if it was? You know what? WHO CARES? Not ONE SINGLE THING in my life would be worse because I spent my life believing, trusting and placing my hope in Christ. Not one thing.
Except that I'd have a lot of Sunday mornings where I could have slept a little longer.
But you know what I'm saying? If the end were to come and the curtain fell and everyone is standing there, pointing fingers, laughing at us because we spent our lives believing? So be it. So what? It means that my life was filled with love, hope, community, friendships, fellowship, prayer, compassion, and grace. I don't think that would be something to regret.
Does this even make sense for one second? Probably not ....
Love this!
I believe in God and pray and really believe I have my own special relationship with him but I do sometimes questions peoples motives with using the Bible as a controlling tool.
I do feel though the presence he has with me. Many times at work I will start singing to myself christmas hymns I remember from my church choir days.
Thanks for this post love. For those of us with wavering knowledge and questions about religion this was inspiring. :)
I struggle with disbelief at times, too. I think everyone done. But moments like your "David" moment help to reaffirm my belief. I'm so thankful for Jon because he studies/does this for a living, so I always have him to bombard with my questions. :)
This post made me smile because I have had many similar experiences.
And I just have to say that it drives me crazy when people try to convince others that there is no God or that the Bible is fiction. Does it make your life better? Does believing in God make you happier? Then why do your friends want to take that away from you?
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